Membership Matters - Exercising Forgiveness, Part 1

The church is a community of men and women who have been saved by the sovereign grace of God. Each of us is progressing in our spiritual growth and slowly becoming more and more like Jesus Christ through the working of his Holy Spirit. This is what we call sanctification. Although salvation happens in an instant, sanctification is a process which continues throughout our entire lives.The fact that sanctification is a process is an important thing to remember. It means that we are all “works in progress”. We still possess a fallen human nature that makes us suceptible to sin. All of us at times sin and very often these sins are against other people – including our fellow believers. For this reason, the attitude of forgiveness is essential to healthy relationships within the church.There will come times in your life when you will be offended by others – including fellow church members. This is simply the reality of trying to live our faith in a fallen world. So, how do we respond when others offend us? For the remainder of this study we will examine the Biblical mandate and method of forgiveness.

A Parable of Forgiveness

Matthew 18:23-35 "Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.' 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, 'Pay what you owe.' 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you.' 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?' 34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart."

As the king in this parable takes account of all that he is owed, a servant is brought to him who owes him ten thousand talents. This is a huge amount that this servant was entirely incapable of paying (v25). The king ordered this man, his wife and his children to be sold into slavery in order to pay the debt. The servant fell down and begged the king to spare him and his family.The application is unmistakable, we all owe a debt incurred by our sin against God. We are incapable of making payment for this sin, but God, through his compassionate forgiveness, has freed us from this debt (Rom 6:18-22). Just as God has forgiven us a debt that we could not pay (Eph 2:1; Rom 5:6-8; Col 2:13), the king in this parable has forgiven his servant.Christ’s parable then takes a surprising turn. This man, who was forgiven an insurmountable debt by his compassionate lord, turned around and withheld forgiveness from his fellow servant. Worse than that, his fellow servant owed him far less than what he had owed. This man had his fellow servant cast into prison until he could pay the paltry sum. When others witnessed the servants heartlessness, especially in light of the compassion he was shown, they went and told his lord.Just like the servant in this parable, we are all indebted to God because of our sin (Matt 6:12); we are all unable to pay the debt that our sin has incurred (Col 2:13; Eph 2:1; Rom 5:6); and, we are all undeserving of the forgiveness that our Lord has given us (Rom 5:8). Futhermore, just as this servant was expected to forgive his fellow servants in light of his lord’s forgiveness, we too are expected to forgive fellow Christians in light of the forgiveness that our Lord has given us.The unforgiving servant in this parable is a striking illustration of the unforgiving Christian. Using this servant as an example, consider what happens when the Christian forgets that he is indebted, unable, and undeserving: v28. He withholds forgiveness for far less than what God has forgiven himv30. He shows far less compassion than God has shown himv31. He forfeits peace and unity among his fellowsv34. He faces the discipline of his LordGod expects us to show the same compassionate forgiveness to our fellow Christians that he has shown to us. Our indebtedness to God for his unconditional forgiveness should lead us to freely forgive our brethren. God is so concerned that we forgive others as he has forgiven us that he refuses worship from and rejects the prayer of the one who does not forgive others (Matt 6:14-15; Matt 5:23-24).

The Procedure for Forgiveness

In the eighteenth chapter of Matthew we find the very first mention of the church. Here Christ is giving instruction to his disciples as to how to handle the issue of forgiveness in the church. As we progress through our look at the need for forgiveness, we will consider the Procedure, Perpetuity and Propagation of Forgiveness as found in Matthew 18:15-35.

Matthew 18:15-35 "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 18 Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. 19 Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them." 21 Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" 22 Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. 23 "Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.' 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, 'Pay what you owe.' 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you.' 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?' 34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart."

The very fact that Jesus saw fit to give these instructions regarding forgiveness is proof that he expected there to be offenses in the church. As a congregation of imperfect people, who still struggle with sin, we will, at times, offend one another. We will sometimes unknowingly (and sometimes knowingly) hurt eachother’s feelings. These offenses are unfortunate but not unexpected. Since we know that these offenses will come, we should prepare for them by learning the Biblical procedure for forgiveness.Over the next couple of studies we will learn the proper way to respond to offenses in the church. We will learn that we must Approach Our Brother in Confidence, Approach Our Brother with Counsel, Approach Our Brother as a Congregation and finally, if all else fails, Remove Our Brother from Our Company. Each of these steps builds upon the other and the hope is that an offense never escalates past the first one.First of all, Jesus tells us that if we a brother sins against us we are to approach him in confidence.

Approach Your Brother in Confidence

Matthew 18:15 "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.

[su_box title="Question..." style="soft" box_color="#2AA3CE"]Q. What should we tell our brother?Q. Who should else should we tell?Q. According to the last phrase in this verse, what is our motivation in approaching our brother?[/su_box]When we are sinned against in the church and find that this offense has damaged our relationship with a brother or sister, our first priority should be the restoration of that relationship. Or as Christ said, we should seek to “gain our brother”.Being motivated with a sincere desire to gain our brother we should then approach our brother privately (“in confidence”).[su_box title="Think and Apply" style="soft" box_color="#E67600"]Why do you think it is important to approach your brother privately and to tell him his fault only between “thee and him alone”? What lasting damage might be caused if a offended brother involves others in the offense?[/su_box]Oftentimes when we are offended, our first reaction is one of pride. We immediately seek to justify ourselves or to condemn those who have offended us. How do we do this? We begin to look for others who will offer a sympathetic ear to us. Getting others to take up our offense is a surefire way to convince ourselves that we are justified in our bitterness or in withholding our forgiveness.If we are operating from a starting point of a love for the brethren, then our initial reaction to offenses will not be one of vindictiveness but of love. We will not gossip. We will not tear down the reputation of the sinning brother. We will not share the offense with anyone until we have first sought to be reconciled to our brother.Consider the following benefits of approaching your brother privately:• If it turns out that the offense is simply a misunderstanding then you have protected yourself from spreading misleading gossip.• If the sinning brother readily admits his fault and you and he are promptly reconciled, then you have ensured that others will not have a lasting, inaccurate, or negative attitude toward him. Otherwise, those you have shared the offense with may continue to harbour bitterness toward your brother long after the two of you have reconciled.• By refusing to share the offense with others you have protected yourself from reacting emotionally and slandering your brother through gossip. It is possible for your reaction to the offense to be a greater sin than the offense itself (James 1:19-20).Even when we are offended, our reaction to our fellow Christians must be driven by love. In love we will seek his well-being and his restoration. We will seek to protect his reputation and to be reconciled to him quickly. Any other motivation in approaching our brother is unscriptural and invalid.

Should We Always Approach Our Brother?

Is there ever a time when it is OK to just allow an offense to pass without ever confronting our brother? Not only is it OK but in some instances it is preferred. Consider the following three Biblical principles and how they can help us to simply allow offenses to go without the need for confrontation.

The Principle of Graceful Suffering

Matthew 5:39 But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

[su_box title="Question..." style="soft" box_color="#2AA3CE"]Q. In New Testament times a slap on the face was a tremendous insult. To be struck on the face by the hand of another was a demeaning act that robbed its victim of human dignity. Christ chose this insult purposefully, knowing how offensive it was to the Jews. How did Jesus tell us to respond if someone were to hit us on our “right cheek”?[/su_box][su_box title="Think and Apply" style="soft" box_color="#E67600"]Obviously Jesus is not simply giving us instruction as to how to respond to slaps! He was teaching a broader principle about how to respond to offenses. What principle do you think he is teaching when he says “turn to him the other also”?[/su_box]Here Jesus is teaching us the principle of graceful suffering. That is, when others offend us, we are not to stoop to their level and treat them as they have treated us. But we are to respond with grace, exhibiting the same meekness and humility that Christ did when he was abused and reviled (1 Peter 2:23).Paul taught the principle of graceful suffering when he had to deal with the issue of offenses in the Corinthian church. In chapter 6 of First Corinthians he tells the church how they should have responded when they were sinned against: 1 Cor 6:6-7.[su_box title="Question..." style="soft" box_color="#2AA3CE"]Q. How were the Corinthians handling their disagreements with one another?Q. v7. How did Paul tell the church they should have handled their offenses?[/su_box]Lawsuits were widespread in Corinth. Neighbours would take eachother to court over even the smallest of violations. The church had been so influenced by its ungodly culture that it too treated one another with contempt. There was a constant drive for justice. They demanded what they felt they were owed by others – even under threat of a lawsuit! Paul told the Corinthians that the behaviour of the world had no place in the church and that they would have been better off if they just learned to “suffer wrong” and allow themselves to be “defrauded”. (cf. 1 Cor 13:5).If each and everyone of us got what we deserved we would be in Hell. Far be it from the forgiven Christian to seek to exact justice on every brother or sister who offends them (Matt 18:32-33). Paul’s priority was graceful suffering. It would have been far better if each member, when offended, simply suffered (without harbouring bitterness, Eph 4:31; Heb 12:14-15; James 3:14), and did not retaliate.There is another principle that we must consider when deciding whether or not we should approach a brother who has sinned against us and that is The Principle of God’s Sovereignty.

The Principle of God’s Sovereignty

Before we become too upset about offenses, we should remember that God is the sovereign of the universe. God knows everything that we encounter in this life because He is sovereign over circumstance. It may very well be that he has brought suffering into our lives for His glory and for our good.

James 1:2-5 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

[su_box title="Question..." style="soft" box_color="#2AA3CE"]Q. What should our attitude be when we face trials?Q. What does the “testing of our faith” do for us?Q. What is the end result of “steadfastness” being formed in us?[/su_box]We should not become upset or discouraged every time we face trials in our lives because these difficulties have a maturing affect on us. Through hardship we learn patience and this continuing patience produces spiritual maturity. Whether our trials are financial, circumstancial, or relational, they all contribute to our spiritual growth - when we respond to them in a way which pleases God.Let’s consider Joseph as an example:

Genesis 50:19-20 But Joseph said to them, "Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? 20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.

[su_box title="Question..." style="soft" box_color="#2AA3CE"]Q. After Joseph had been hated by his brothers, cast in a pit, sold into slavery, falsely accused and put in prison, he finally reunited with his family. Everything Joseph’s brothers did toward was intended to hurt him. How did Joseph respond to his brothers when they knelt down before him asking forgiveness?[/su_box]Joseph responded “am I in the place of God”? He recognized God as the Sovereign One who orchestrated every hardship for a purpose. Joseph’s understanding of God’s sovereignty enabled him to suffer graciously.Now consider the example of David:

2 Samuel 16:5-12 When King David came to Bahurim, there came out a man of the family of the house of Saul, whose name was Shimei, the son of Gera, and as he came he cursed continually. 6 And he threw stones at David and at all the servants of King David, and all the people and all the mighty men were on his right hand and on his left. 7 And Shimei said as he cursed, "Get out, get out, you man of blood, you worthless man! 8 The LORD has avenged on you all the blood of the house of Saul, in whose place you have reigned, and the LORD has given the kingdom into the hand of your son Absalom. See, your evil is on you, for you are a man of blood." 9 Then Abishai the son of Zeruiah said to the king, "Why should this dead dog curse my lord the king? Let me go over and take off his head." 10 But the king said, "What have I to do with you, you sons of Zeruiah? If he is cursing because the LORD has said to him, 'Curse David,' who then shall say, 'Why have you done so?'" 11 And David said to Abishai and to all his servants, "Behold, my own son seeks my life; how much more now may this Benjaminite! Leave him alone, and let him curse, for the LORD has told him to. 12 It may be that the LORD will look on the wrong done to me, and that the LORD will repay me with good for his cursing today."

[su_box title="Question..." style="soft" box_color="#2AA3CE"]Q. In this passage we find David and his “mighty men” being confronted by a man from the house of Saul named Shimei. As Shimei saw David he began to curse David and throw stones at him. He cursed at David, calling him a “man of blood” and “worthless man”. According to verse 9, how did Abishai respond?Q. v10-11. How did David respond to Abishai and the rest of his servants? What was his reasoning?Q. v12. What did David suggest that God might do?[/su_box]David was a king, surrounded by his men of war. He could have easily avenged himself upon Shimei. But David, understanding that God is sovereign, chose rather to let Shimei curse him. David knew that it could have been God who allowed this to happen and that God could avenge him this wrong if He saw fit.Both David and Joseph offer us tremendous examples of suffering graciously in light of God’s sovereignty. They absorbed the offenses of others and did not react, knowing that God was in control. Proverbs 19:11 summarizes the principle of graceful suffering well; Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.[su_box title="Think and Apply" style="soft" box_color="#E67600"]God is sovereign over all circumstances – even the offenses we experience at the hands of others. Although every man is guilty for his own sinful actions, God uses these offenses and trials to accomplish his purposes in our lives. Understanding God’s sovereignty in every circumstance should help us to find purpose and meaning in everything and encourage us to respond to them in a way which pleases Him.[/su_box]Now consider a third principle – The Principle of God’s Justice.

The Principle of God’s Justice

1 Peter 2:21-23 For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. 22 He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. 23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.

[su_box title="Question..." style="soft" box_color="#2AA3CE"]Q. What example should we follow when we suffer?Q. What did Christ not do when others reviled him and caused him pain?Q. What did he do?[/su_box]When Christ was beaten and vilified he did not respond in kind. He did not stoop to the level of his abusers and threaten or revile back. This is remarkable example especially considering the fact that Christ was absolutely sinless and any suffering that he experienced was unjust and undeserved. Christ did not respond to his accusers. Instead, he “continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly”. Jesus is teaching us here that there is only one who always judges with righteous judgement and that is God himself (John 8:50). It is far better to commit our cause to God, the righteous judge, than to constantly question whether or not our handling of a situation is right. We know that however God works out the situation, it will be in perfect harmony with his justice.

Psalms 35:1 Of David. Contend, O LORD, with those who contend with me; fight against those who fight against me!

[su_box title="Question..." style="soft" box_color="#2AA3CE"]Q. What did David ask God to do for him?[/su_box]

Psalms 9:4 For you have maintained my just cause; you have sat on the throne, giving righteous judgment.

[su_box title="Question..." style="soft" box_color="#2AA3CE"]Q. What did the Psalmist say God did for Him? According to the imagery used here, where was God sitting?[/su_box]

Psalms 75:7 but it is God who executes judgment, putting down one and lifting up another.

[su_box title="Question..." style="soft" box_color="#2AA3CE"]Q. What is God? What does he do?[/su_box]The Christian should rely on God as the righteous judge. If we are sinned against and are unsure whether or not we should respond, or how we should handle the situation, it may be better to simply commit our cause to God in prayer and trust him to vindicate us if need be.The principle of God’s justice should be liberating to the believer. It means that we do not have to go through life constantly defending ourselves. It means that we do not have to be on edge and ready to pounce upon every offense or slander against us. Instead, we can peacefully entrust every offense to God and allow him to judge in His timing, as He sees fit.A willingness to suffer graciously, a recognition of God’s sovereignty and a relinquishing of our offense to God’s justice will go a long way in preventing additional conflicts in the church. If each of us were to practice these three principles, offenses would rarely escalate to the level of confrontation.We are all growing into the image of Christ, but we all still struggle with sin. For this reason, Jesus’ first instructions to the church were given in regard to how to handle offenses through forgiveness. Naturally then, we should not be surprised when we are offended by fellow believers in the church. The key is in how each party responds to these offenses.As we’ve learned in this study, the first priority is to consider whether or not we can handle an offense in our own heart without ever having to approach our brother about it. The principles of graceful suffering, God’s justice and God’s sovereignty should enable us to deal with offenses on a heart level without ever approaching our brother. However, if confrontation is absolutely inevitable – perhaps because it is abundantly clear to both parties that an offense has taken place and reconciliation can only come through discussing it together – then the Bible gives us a clear procedure to follow.Firstly, we should approach our brother privately. Speaking to our brother in confidence without ever sharing the offense with others ensures that we keep ourselves pure from gossip or slander; it prevents others from taking up offenses for us; and it ensures that long after we’ve been reconciled, others do not have lingering animosity toward the one who offended us.If we approach our brother about an offense and they willingly hear us and reconcile with us – then we’ve gained our brother. The offense is forgiven and our relationship with him ought to be fully restored. But, what if we’ve determined that we must approach our brother over an offense and he is unwilling to reconcile? According to Christ, this is no light matter and should be dealt with very seriously. In the next lesson we will see how such a situation may need to escalate to the point where our brother is approached with counsel, by the congregation or ultimately, put out of the church.[su_box title="Review!" style="soft" box_color="#FF4D2C"]1. Can you summarize the principle of graceful suffering?2. Can you summarize the principle of God's sovereignty and how it applies to offenses in the church?3. How is the principle of God's justice liberating when it comes to offenses?4. Jesus gave the church instruction regarding forgiveness. What should this tell us about what to expect in our church relationships?5. God is very concerned that His children forgive each other. What does he refuse to do for those who refuse to forgive? (pg 2)6. How should you respond to a fellow believer who comes to you with complaints about others without first approaching them privately?[/su_box]